I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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