Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
