Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
