so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
