He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
