so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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