Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Duck Duck Cougar?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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