she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
