I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
