I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
