I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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