how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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