it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
