dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
