i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
