Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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