i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
