i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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