Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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