Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
