Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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