don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
