no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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