I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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