chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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