wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
