did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
