Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
