Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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