he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
