remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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