god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
