everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
