weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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