By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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