We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
it was like eating out sand paper
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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