Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
