Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Come see our sink grown plant.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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