Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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