my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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