I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
