I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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