Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
