Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
