Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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