Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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