Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
