i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
