Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
