I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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