I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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