can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
